Friday, June 01, 2007

Not Putting Up with Men’s Shit

Aileen just got home from a day’s out with her friends. She looked tired but was attending to some personal accounting chore. I sat on the couch and decided to ask her for some relatives’ phone contacts to fill up my empty mobile phone list.

I was bluetoothing the numbers to my phone when she suddenly shared with me a sad story of one of her married friends. I shall not relate it here, but the husband in concern IS a male chauvinistic pig who is psychologically unstable. Possessive and paranoid, he abuses his wife verbally, mentally and physically.

I tried to dissect the problem and analyze his actions one by one and Aileen was rapt with attention as I rambled on. I ended off by suggesting the man get some psychiatric help and the woman leaving the man.

The latter recommendation may appear insensitive. I apologize for being unfeeling. (*shrugs*)

But to all girls out there, here’s some food for thought.
True, we have heard horror stories of terrible jerks who roam this Earth. A good population of womenfolk fall prey to them.
The point is, IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE YOU!

Don’t take crap from shitty boyfriends or husbands. You don’t deserve it.
And as with academic results, we don’t compare the BAD with our mediocre. No.
We should look to the BEST and emulate them. This applies to the type of men we marry.

Only the GOOD, SWEET and THOUGHTFUL need apply.

Postscript: Don’t believe the saying “男人不坏,女人不爱”. It’s a media myth—created to add romanticism to story plots.

If Men Can Choose Fabulous Women to Marry:

Then, I am sure there is a similar book that teaches Women Not to Stay with Jerks. Ok, found one:
Look at this lady!
A Sweet Girl’s Blog
After being married for 3 years, her loving husband still handpicks their monthly wedding anniversary bouquet from the florist, takes her to beautiful holiday destinations and buys her lovely presents. Keeping the love alive and the woman of his life happy. He’s definitely a keeper!

~Remember: Being happily in love should be the norm, not the exception that happens due to a stroke of fine luck.~ I.V.Y.



Blogger crazychick said...

that is soooo true!! we girls should NEVER settle for second best when it comes to our man. sadly, i see many girls willing let their MCP husbands / partners step all over them because they fear that they will lose their man if they protest!! very sad case loh!!

i will NEVER tolerate physical abuse. hit me once, and i'll make sure he spends the rest of his sorry life cursing the day he laid his hands on a woman.

ps: i've seen the "how to avoid marrying a jerk" book before at MPH :D have you read it before?

3:56 PM  
Blogger I.V.Y. said...

Yea, high five Jenn!
I will make sure that abuser spends his days sitting in prison having free meals for a good amount of time.

Oh, I did not get to see the "How to avoid marrying a jerk" book yet.

But I did browse through the other one "Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women". But I didn't read much. There's not much that I don't already know.
We both don't need to read this book! ;-) Cos SMART are we!

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Wilfrid said...

Just my humble thought, I think it is beyond advice and books and TV programmes that can save your friend's married friend. Professional therapy or counseling may yield a better result. I have heard stories like that from my real life friends and like one of my friends, she has been trying very hard to persuade her friend to date some other guy because her friend's boyfriend is abusive and basically ... a jerk. Somehow, her friend still attracted by a certain attribute of that abusive boyfriend and can't quite get out of it. It is beyond all rationalization especially from outsiders.

I have once dated a girl long time ago who have been openly sleeping with 2 other men at the same time. For months I have put up with ... for lack of a better word ... emotional abuse. I mean looking back I should be smart enough to call it off but while I was in the relationship but there were many factors that others just could not see (like I understand how her unfortunate past made her the girl she was and probably still is ... excuses I know). There was a hope inside of me that I stayed on. Looking back, it is probably the most depressing period of my life.

I guess what I am trying to share is that it is not about being smart or not. Outsiders can never quite understand what goes on intrinsically inside a relationship. After all, it takes two to clap (note: I am definitely not defending the abusive partner ... I am trying to see from the "victim" perspective). Sometimes, time itself will reveal a solution for the two people. In the event two are married, I guess professional help is one avenue worth exploring.

1:38 PM  
Blogger I.V.Y. said...

Dear Wilfrid,

Thanks for sharing--your experience and take on the issue.

It's true that sometimes as an onlooker, things appear to have a quick fix solution, i.e. dumping the toxic partner.
Unfortunately, many factors do play a part and the parties involved cannot extricate themselves from the debilitating relationship.

It's so right to suggest counselling for the married couple. Hopefully, both parties are open to the idea. Marriage after all is a commitment to the lasting relationship and effort must be expended to make it WORK. =)

However, I am of the notion that people ought to choose wisely and marry someone they will feel happy and BLESSED with. And that means, steering clear from the individuals with "issues that they can't get out of all their lives".
These people are potential heartbreakers and hazards to our own mental health.
I think getting a GOOD partner is relatively easier. Honest.
I can go on about how we can develop an eye for picking the right one, but I am going to bore you to death. But I am open to a discussion on it anytime. ;-)

~When we find the love of our life after many failed relationships, we call it learning from life's experiences. Sometimes, we meet the person of our dreams on our first brush with love. This is what we call "God's Grace".~ I.V.Y.

4:19 PM  
Anonymous Wilfrid said...

Hi Ivy, thanks for approving my comment and I totally agree with especially the last point you've made. Spot on! Ever consider writing a book yourself on relationships? Seems like you have a lot to say on that :)

12:23 AM  
Blogger I.V.Y. said...

Dear Wilfrid,
Haha! Nah, I am a novice when it comes to relationships.
You know, I am like what all academics do best. Sitting in our ivory towers, writing lots of analyses and recommendations to societal problems.
So, my book on relationships may not be credible. In fact, the hardest part may be to find a publishing house willing enough to print my 'two cents' worth of bullcrap'.

But I DO intend to write a book in my lifetime. I just haven't decided on the subject matter yet. No publisher? No sweat. Print them myself. Nobody buys? No sweat. Give them out to people. I am just an eccentric crazy person... =_+

1:25 AM  
Anonymous jenn said...

hi there~ a friend pointed me to this article and i was surprised to see she was right about my blog being mentioned here. and yes when in love, everyday should be a honeymoon day :)

thanks for the kind compliments on an average girl like me dear. lovely blog layout and i read a couple of entries, you are a witty writer too, i had a very enjoyable visit :)

4:35 PM  

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